thursday
I am still here.
I know that I said that I thought this blog had run its course and that my last post was likely the end of it. I still kind of think that (except for the last post part). But things aren’t going very well, and I really need someone to talk to. I figure the abyss is better than no one, and the abyss is here so…
I went to see a counselor yesterday. Everything fell apart about two weeks ago. I curled up on the floor, bawling. My wife told me to go see a counselor, but of course there was no way I was going to call on my own. So she called and set up the appointment. I didn’t really see a counselor yesterday, though, it was just a “screening” to try and figured out what to do next. Now I have an appointment with an actual counselor, but not until June 30th. So, now I have to just wait around…They also sent me in to see a psychiatrist, and she put me on some medication.
While I believe that medication may be the right thing to do, it kind of makes me angry that I am there again. It makes me angry that I have to swallow a few pills each day just to float around what might be considered “normal.” It makes me feel, like always, that my life is just one big checklist of things that I need to do differently, or that I have to do at all just to be happy. It seems like some people can just be happy.
My wife and kids were gone for a week until a few days ago. I actually did surprisingly well while they were gone. Now that they are home, though, I am having a harder time. (That is not to say that they cause me to have a hard time…nothing could be further from the truth) My wife and I got in an argument last night, and I went to bed upset. I feel like my indecisiveness and busy schedule is just in the way of everyone else’s lives.
Feeling like I am inconveniencing others is probably one of the hardest things for me to deal with, but at the same time, sometimes I just want someone to care for me. Someone to go out of their way to have to give me attention…I want to be someone’s inconvenience, sometimes.
I love my wife, and I know that she loves me. I also know that she does go out of her way to try and care for me. She is just as, if not more, busy as I am, and yet she gets so much accomplished each day. Me, I just trudge along.
How does it feel to know that over 1000 people have read your this writing in search of a better self? How do you feel knowing that you have helped create a ripple as small as it may be in helping lead one down a dark and lonely path? How does it feel being the one to turn on a light in a dark room of one’s life? I hope good as that’s what you do when you write…you help others…I hope you find your way back to the light…and into a room of sharing what you desire to share…that’s really all happiness is…being with others you enjoy sharing with.
Rob said this on August 13, 2010 at 1:30 am